The bloody Mary cocktail has seen a renewed popularity in 2013.  What began as a simple combination of gin or vodka and tomato juice has evolved into a national obsession.  It seems that every restaurant, bar, tailgater, and foodie across this great land is in a competition to craft the best bloody Mary.  Garnishes tower like monuments to false gods and seasonings and mixes pile up train wrecks. It’s as if a fourth year engineering student decided to take up chemistry as a hobby.
Before you start constructing a scaffolding for your morning cocktail, take a moment to reflect upon what is truly important to your inner alcoholic. Rather than instruct you in the best way to make a bloody Mary cocktail, let’s examine the pitfalls that have been the undoing of so many morning beverages. Consider these seven ways in which many have ruined this otherwise lovely icon of day drinking.

The Seven Deadly Bloody Mary Sins

1. Fail to thoroughly mix it. So you’re in a hurry- maybe just do a shot then. If you’re going to make a bloody Mary, take the time to mix it thoroughly.
2. Don’t chill it. Come on, fill the glass with ice and let it do its job. A properly chilled drink retains its flavor and is more pleasing to the palate than one matching your body temperature.
3. Over-engineer it.  You’ve probably experienced this.  Some ham-handed bartender gets ahold of a few too many ingredients and the next thing you know you’re drinking steak sauce and rose petals.  Keep it simple, and for god’s sake, don’t sh1t-pile it!
4. Make a large batch days in advance.  Bars are usually the culprit on this one, but an over-anxious tailgater might do it too.  Mixing the ingredients long before consuming them allows the acids in tomato juice to start breaking down the flavors.  Make your drink fresh following the japanese production technique of just-in-time.
5. Use a store-bought pre-mix.  Admittedly, there are times when the convenience of a mix is too hard to resist, but think of these like TV dinners.  They should not be your go-to solution.

 

6. Become so obsessed with constructing an amusement park on top of your drink that you forget the basics.  I don’t care how many exotic cuisines and movie tickets your bloody Mary boasts.  If the drink sucks, you’ve wasted time, energy, and money.  We call this practice garnouflage.

7. Withhold  or charge extra for a beer chaser.  If you  must build the added cost of a beer chaser into your price, do it.  To skip this valuable component of the experience is sloppy, and to charge extra for it is offensive.

So you like bloody Mary’s? Wouldn’t you like to see the quality of these drinks improve throughout this great land?  Share these tips with your friends, coworkers, bartenders, and lovers.