Guide to Awful Cocktails

Ever wonder why that bloody Mary drink sucks so bad? The research division of My Big Fat Bloody Mary LLC Has taken the mystery out of this age old question. As it turns out, crappy bloody Mary’s do not occur as a random event.

Bloody Mary Drink
Man With Awful Bloody Mary

You might assume that awful bloody Mary cocktails are the product of a careless bartender, but research shows that much more goes into these abominations. Based on these findings, We have assembled a list and info-graphic of the top causes of awful Bloody Mary drinks. Get out your notepad, a pen, and a willingness join a growing movement!

How to Make an Awful Bloody Mary Drink

We interviewed some of the nations worst purveyors of bloody Mary’s to get an inside look into what makes these drinks so awful. Glen Fraunkrum of the infamous Quick~n~Sweaty Pub and Eatery in Omaha’s trendy south side shared some of his secrets.

Quick~n~Sweaty Pub & Eatery

“We use a mix but I like to jazz mine up with pickle juice and some of the other stuff from under the bar.” Glen has been crafting his dreadful morning cocktails for over 4 months. “Folks like to order my bloody’s cuz they never know what I’m gonna do!” With a wink and a toothless grin, Glen produces a bottle of A-1 steak sauce.”No two are alike and I think people like that. One always does the trick. They never seem to need a second one.”

Glen takes pride in the fact that he has saved the bar over ten dollars since starting at the Quick~n~Sweaty. “The last guy was fillin’ them glasses plum full of ice! I says, it’s like toilet paper sheets: ya only need one or two!” Glen sprinkles salt over a lone bobbing ice cube, sticks a toothpick sized straw in the drink, and lays a wilting pickle across the top.

It turns out Glen is not alone in his insistence upon turning out tepid vessels of varying putridity. Researchers found that his technique follows a pattern seen in most of the top producers of God awful bloody Mary drink concoctions.  Mary Ledbottom of Anchorage’s Spotted Dick Saloon summed it up succinctly: “We get kinda busy in here. Bloody Mary’s take a long time to make. I work nights as a security guard and I don’t really need that. I try to push the Bud Light. it’s on tap!”

The writing staff at MBFBM reviewed the findings of the crappy bloody Mary project and compiled a list.

The Ten Best Ways to make a dreadful Bloody Mary.

#10. Start with a mix but don’t stop there.  Add more crap, the more salt the better- a practice we call, “shit-piling.”

#9. Make a batch up in advance and let that jug sit for days.

#8. Don’t be predictable.  Consistency is THE TOP reason that bars get too much business!

#7. Serve it warm. Throw an ice cube or two, but go easy.  If God intended us to drink cold beverages, he’d have made breast milk cold, right?

#6. Use the skinniest damned straw you can find.  There’s nothing more fun than watching someone suck their face into a glass, trying get that awful drink to their mouth.

#5. Add salt.  I don’t know, other people do it!

#4. Never use fresh citrus.  It makes people smack their lips and order more.  You don’t want that!

#3. Don’t add an item of garnish unless it’s wilted and unimaginative.  This sounds obvious but you’d be surprised by how many people use garnish as a way to get people to talk about their bloody’s, take pictures of them, and bring their friends to get more.  Bull-Shit Man!

#2. Never, ever serve your bloody with an icy cold beer.  If someone asks for a chaser, look at them as if they’re speaking french.  If they continue, and ask for a beer, snap at them, ” I thought you wanted a bloody Mary!”

#1. Start with a mix and shit-pile that thing like a MOTHER!

-Greg Tooke My short bio

Bloody Mary
Bloody Mary

Big Fat Bloody Mary Interview

An Interview with My Big Fat Bloody Maryunknown

Thousands of bloody Mary recipe seekers have turned to the popular website, My Big Fat Bloody Mary, for bloody Mary mixes and recipes. The writers and staff at MBFBM have, in some readers’ opinions, taken a simple hangover cure and turned it into a colossal waste of time. Pages and pages of recipes and techniques are handed down with such confidence and authority that many have accused the authors of outright arrogance. One of the staff members has even dressed himself in a tuxedo and shot a video designed to teach the masses how to make a bloody Mary. In the video, a high priced actor who calls himself, “Greg,” denounces such gourmet bloody Mary standard elements as measuring cups. He goes on to tell viewers to avoid taverns that use any type of bloody Mary mix, instead offering what he calls the best bloody Mary recipe.

Recent reports that My Big Fat Bloody Mary and fresh bloody Mary mix purveyor Demitri’s have struck a deal sent shock waves throughout the bloody Mary community. In a recent bloody Mary mix review, the cocktail mogul raved about the Demitri’s line of bloody Mary seasonings.  Apparently the bloody Mary elite at MBFBM plan to start advertising and promoting Demitri’s line of bloody Mary seasonings, rimmers, garnishes and even beef straws.

I caught up with a spokesperson from My Big Fat at their corporate offices in downtown Chicago for an exclusive interview. I arrived promptly. A buxom secretary with too much hair and too little skirt greeted me. “It’ll be just a minute. We’re running a bit late.” She then picked up a 16oz red plastic cup, filled it with ice, and topped it with Ketel One vodka. She disappeared into the adjoining office and returned without the red cup. “He’s ready now.”

The spokesman insisted upon anonymity, so I’ll simply refer to him as MBFBM.

GREG: Good morning and thanks for taking time for this interview.
MBFBM: Good morning. It’s my pleasure. Care for a drink?
GREG: Ha ha, no thanks. It’s 8a.m.!
MBFBM: Well, it’s 9 a.m. somewhere.
GREG: Well, I want to get right into this. According to sources rather high up in your organization, My Big Fat Bloody Mary plans to endorse and even promote products from the bloody Mary seasoning gurus at Demitri’s. Forgive me but, hasn’t your site consistently railed against pre-made bloody Mary mixes?
MBFBM: Well, it’s true that we have never endorsed or supported a pre-mix of any kind.
GREG: So, might your critics not accuse you of selling out?
MBFBM: You’re damned right we’re selling out! This stuff is fantastic. The ingredients are nothing that we wouldn’t put in our own bloody’s. All four flavors; the Classic Recipe, Extra Horseradish, Chilis and Peppers, and Chipotle -Habenero are better than 95% of the bloody Mary’s I’ve been served. I can whip up a fantastic bloody Mary in less than 1/3 the time it normally takes me. That leaves more time for drinking and fun.
GREG: So, you’re doing this for altruistic reasons only?
MBFBM: We’re not stupid. These guys are paying us a TON of money.
GREG: Your critics have accused your organization of creating three different websites that are all basically the same and simply designed to increase traffic to your material. What do you say to this?
MBFBM: That is absolutely UNTRUE! We have four different websites that are all basically the same and simply designed to increase traffic to our material.
GREG: Most of my readers have a fairly short attention span so let me close by asking what your future plans are in the gourmet bloody Mary niche.
MBFBM: I think I’ll have a Chilis and Pepper from Demitri’s. Sure you won’t join me?Demitri's Bloody Mary Seasoningsoldballs
-Greg Tooke My short bio

Demitri’s Bloody Mary Seasonings