Ever wonder why that bloody Mary drink sucks so bad? The research division of My Big Fat Bloody Mary LLC Has taken the mystery out of this age old question. As it turns out, crappy bloody Mary’s do not occur as a random event.

You might assume that awful bloody Mary cocktails are the product of a careless bartender, but research shows that much more goes into these abominations. Based on these findings, We have assembled a list and info-graphic of the top causes of awful Bloody Mary drinks. Get out your notepad, a pen, and a willingness join a growing movement!

How to Make an Awful Bloody Mary Drink

We interviewed some of the nations worst purveyors of bloody Mary’s to get an inside look into what makes these drinks so awful. Glen Fraunkrum of the infamous Quick~n~Sweaty Pub and Eatery in Omaha’s trendy south side shared some of his secrets.

“We use a mix but I like to jazz mine up with pickle juice and some of the other stuff from under the bar.” Glen has been crafting his dreadful morning cocktails for over 4 months. “Folks like to order my bloody’s cuz they never know what I’m gonna do!” With a wink and a toothless grin, Glen produces a bottle of A-1 steak sauce.”No two are alike and I think people like that. One always does the trick. They never seem to need a second one.”

Glen takes pride in the fact that he has saved the bar over ten dollars since starting at the Quick~n~Sweaty. “The last guy was fillin’ them glasses plum full of ice! I says, it’s like toilet paper sheets: ya only need one or two!” Glen sprinkles salt over a lone bobbing ice cube, sticks a toothpick sized straw in the drink, and lays a wilting pickle across the top.

It turns out Glen is not alone in his insistence upon turning out tepid vessels of varying putridity. Researchers found that his technique follows a pattern seen in most of the top producers of God awful bloody Mary drink concoctions.  Mary Ledbottom of Anchorage’s Spotted Dick Saloon summed it up succinctly: “We get kinda busy in here. Bloody Mary’s take a long time to make. I work nights as a security guard and I don’t really need that. I try to push the Bud Light. it’s on tap!”

The writing staff at MBFBM reviewed the findings of the crappy bloody Mary project and compiled a list.

The Ten Best Ways to make a dreadful Bloody Mary.

#10. Start with a mix but don’t stop there.  Add more crap, the more salt the better- a practice we call, “shit-piling.”

#9. Make a batch up in advance and let that jug sit for days.

#8. Don’t be predictable.  Consistency is THE TOP reason that bars get too much business!

#7. Serve it warm. Throw an ice cube or two, but go easy.  If God intended us to drink cold beverages, he’d have made breast milk cold, right?

#6. Use the skinniest damned straw you can find.  There’s nothing more fun than watching someone suck their face into a glass, trying get that awful drink to their mouth.

#5. Add salt.  I don’t know, other people do it!

#4. Never use fresh citrus.  It makes people smack their lips and order more.  You don’t want that!

#3. Don’t add an item of garnish unless it’s wilted and unimaginative.  This sounds obvious but you’d be surprised by how many people use garnish as a way to get people to talk about their bloody’s, take pictures of them, and bring their friends to get more.  Bull-Shit Man!

#2. Never, ever serve your bloody with an icy cold beer.  If someone asks for a chaser, look at them as if they’re speaking french.  If they continue, and ask for a beer, snap at them, ” I thought you wanted a bloody Mary!”

#1. Start with a mix and shit-pile that thing like a MOTHER!

-Greg Tooke My short bio